Guilt
Posted by realityrounds on June 22, 2009
I met *Elena in the lobby, waiting to enter the L&D unit. She was obviously nervous and anxious. She told me her story. A recent immigrant from Russia. Married for 20 years. Multiple miscarriages. Many prayers. A miracle. A pregnancy.
Now came cramping. Bleeding. 20 weeks pregnant. Half way to the dream.
At the time I was very close to being due with my own baby. I waddled with Elena to her room and got her settled. She eyed my swollen belly and asked me when I was due. I told her any day now, and she gave me a weak smile.
The OB on call came in to examine Elena. She was complete with the babies small head starting to bulge through her cervix.
“No, no. It is too early. Just stop my labor. It is too soon. Please,” Elena begged in her heavy Russian accent.
The OB explained the birth was imminent. Her baby was coming. Elena looked over at me, and I looked away. I could not meet her anguished eyes.
The baby came out quickly, only a few pushes. I helped the L&D nurse gently hand Elena her tiny baby. He had no signs of life. Elena looked him over, touched him. She whispered a prayer in his tiny ear.
I left Elena’s room without looking at her, without acknowledging her loss. I could not do it. It tore me up that in only a few more short weeks her baby could have lived if delivered. Why were Elena’s prayers never answered? It was hard for me to console Elena, to console a woman who had just lost a very wanted and prayed for child. I felt that I would do more harm than good, with my very gravid belly supporting a full term child, in helping this woman in her tragic situation. Maybe I was being a coward, or maybe my instincts were right.
Regardless, I felt much guilt for not helping Elena more. I felt guilt for carrying a healthy pregnancy when so many others could not. I felt guilt for possibly adding to Elena’s pain with my obvious pregnant state and my silence.
RR
*HIPAA compliant
maha said
I always feel so incompetent when speaking with an obviously devastated woman who’s losing her child. No matter how many times I work the gyne area in my ER, I still can’t guard myself against the raw grief that the family experiences…
realityrounds said
Even after 16 years of doing this it still feels awkward. It was even harder when I was pregnant. I am not sure if being silent on my part was the right thing to do.
Akiko said
A week or so after I had my second miscarriage at 10 weeks I went to see my GP on another matter. The nurse checking me in asked how I was doing since she had no seen me in awhile. I did not tell her I had lost another baby but that I hoped to try to get pregnant soon. Then she launches into a long tirade about finding out this week that she was unespectedly pregnant by her boyfriend, already had two small children, boyfriend is not happy and how would she pay for this one. Blah, blah, blah. She told me her due date was not long after mine was. She was so negative about the baby, all but saying she did not want it. I was so overwhelmed. She was carrying the baby I wanted so much. Finally I was able to speak and I was nice to her. I knew she was overwhelmed. But I assured her that once the baby came she would never regret having it. Then she said I was right and left. I cried for most of the day after I left.
realityrounds said
I must say, even if the nurse did not know you miscarried, it was extremely unprofessional of her to try and put her problems onto you, the patient. My mantra is I can not teach common sense, or empathy for that matter. I feel the need to apologize to you for that nurse, her actions reflect on the whole profession.
Jill said
Such a sad story. =(
pinky said
Sometimes your instinct are correct. We don’t give our pregnant nurses loss patients. I am more comfortable helping a woman with a loss now than I was years ago. But it always hurts. It take a bit out of you every time. And you cry everytime. Especially the full term loss.
edwinleap.com | Medscape Grand Rounds for June 30 said
[...] http://realityrounds.com/2009/06/22/guilt/ [...]
MrsW said
I’ve had two friends miscarry since I became very unexpectedly pregnant… both were before we had announced ours. It was wrenching to have to tell them, that when they prayed for and needed and wanted their babies that they lost (one was a set of twins, lost at 22-23 weeks, the other a singleton conceived in spite of endometriosis) I was scared out of my mind on how to love and care for this child that I had always wanted, but never this soon. They were both so amazingly gracious, and the twin-mom took the time to go back and forth with me over email about dealing with her grief in the face of other’s blessings. It was amazing, and I have so much respect for women with losses who are able to overcome bitterness towards women who have these unexpected, undeserved blessings.
realityrounds said
Beautifully said. Thank you.