It’s the end of July, and I am swollen, fat, and slow (No, I am not Rush Limbaugh).  I am 8 days post-dates with my first pregnancy, and I have had it.  I decide to take matters into my own hands.  I will do all the “home remedies” for going into labor that I have heard of.  I walk for miles.  I eat Mexican food.  I watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  I have a glass of red wine.  I soak in a bath.  I have sex with the man who made me swollen, fat, and slow (No, it’s not Rush Limbaugh).  I go to sleep.  I suddenly become a practicing Catholic again, at midnight.

BOOM!  “Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all the saints in heaven, what is happening?”  Contraction, for realzs.

BOOM! “Oh Holy Mary of the Immaculate Conception save me!”

BOOM! “  Oh My God, lord and savior, I will go to confession for 30 days straight if only this will stop.”

A thousand BOOMS later: I call the priest doctor.  Tells me to come on in to the hospital for delivery, and an exorcism.

Arrive in OB triage in big city hospital USA.  Big city triage nurse takes my H&P, finds out I’m a nurse, tells me I am 4cm dilated and will be fast tracked to a labor room.  Yeah!  Big city triage nurse asks if I would like to sign a consent to have my labor and delivery videotaped for a reality show called “World Birth Day” on TLC.  I decline.

Arrive in labor room.  Big city labor nurse gives report to big city nursing student.  She’s a Nurse would like a natural childbirth and has a birthing plan.  Start an IV because She’s a Nurse has bought herself a ticket to the OR.

Big city OB resident enters room.  ” Hi, I am going to break your bag and start you on Pit (Pitocin).”  She’s a Nurse responds:  “Oh hell no.  I progressed to 4cm at home and want a natural childbirth.  Why do you want to break my bag and start me on Pit?”  Big city OB resident:  “Because that’s what we do here”.  She’s a Nurse:  “Oh hell no.  Please leave and find my attending physician, now.”  Big city OB resident leaves, never to be seen again.

Big city OB/Gyne attending enters room.  Apologizes for big city resident.  Promises natural childbirth.  Explains I must stay in bed strapped to the external fetal monitor and cannot walk around.  Four hours later, She’s a Nurse can’t take it anymore.  Tearfully asks for epidural.

Big city Anesthesiologist enters room.  Gives She’s a Nurse some smack in her spine.  She’s a Nurse’s baby’s heart rate drops and will not come up.  Entire big city OB staff enters room.  Flips She’s a Nurse on all fours, tells her to bark like a dog, shoves monitor up her love canal, screws scalp electrode on infants head, starts her on terbutaline to stop her contractions, asks her to sign consent for “TLC’s World Birth Day” emergency Cesarean Section.    Big city OB/Gyne attending enters room, tells everyone to calm down, baby’s heart rate is up.

Hours later, She’s a Nurse is 10cm dilated and ready to push. She’s a Nurse’s baby is OP (Occiput Posterior) or sunny side up, or stargazing, or will not come out no matter how long She’s a Nurse will push.  She’s a Nurse pushes for three hours, and stargazer won’t budge.

She’s a Nurse asks to push while not laying flat on her back.  She’s a Nurse pushes naked, squatting, and hanging from a bar in the ceiling.  She’s a Nurse would now like to be videotaped for TLC’ s “World Birth Day”.  Big city staff says, “Oh hell no”.  Stargazer won’t budge.  Times up.

She’s a Nurse bought a ticket to the OR the minute she entered big city hospital USA.  Big city OB/Gyne attending leaves for 30 minutes before the C-Section.  She’s a Nurse asks if he was reading “C-Sections for Dummies”, while on his break.    Big city OB/Gyne attending laughs.  Asks why I didn’t read “Pushing for Dummies”.  Touche’.

In the OR stargazer is lodged so tight in She’s a Nurse’s pelvic bones that she needs to be pushed back up inside She’s a Nurse’s uterus to be pulled out.  Stargazer comes out with APGARS of 5 and 9.  Healthy, happy,  and with a whole lot of attitude.

*Moral of this story:  Nurses are not nurses when they are patients, they are human beings.  They are scared, and naive, and looking for you for help. Let’s not forget that when we are taking care of our fellow sisters.  Any other morals?

RR